Better things to do with your smart house

מאת נביא שקר

Leaving aside how 'The Internet of Things' is a flaming pile of garbage that sends periodic updates to your smart watch about the exact temperature of the garbage, there's something nice to the idea.

But I think people aren't making the most of it.

That is, I have friends who have devices like 'smart lights' and Google Now, and they mainly use for boring things like to check the weather or turn on the lights with voice commands.

There's clearly more potential here. Let's treat the Smart House as 3D immersive version of an old-school text adventure, where you fumble around trying to type things into a command line that you think the designer thought that you might type in.

Possible spoken commands and resulting output, a half-baked list:

Action stations! All lights turn red, speakers play sirens

Move north All lights turn off, speakers say "You are likely to be eaten by a grue"

Let the games begin Speakers play child laughter. Doors lock. Bonus round: Door will only unlock after house guests solve a riddle

Open the door Speakers say "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave"

Initiate countdown Speakers play "3…2…1" and then

Dive! Dive! Speakers play sirens, all lights turn shimmering blue

Burn it down  thermostat set to max, TV shows youtube clip of 10-hour fireplace

Open communication channel turns on camera, video calls random contact

Fire torpedoes Speakers play 'pew pew pew' sounds; Roomba with foam torpedo strapped to it activated and sent to living room

Initiate self-destruct Play countdown, then all devices shut off

I'm Spartacus Speakers reply, well, you get it

I wish I had X Run search for nearest-sounding thing to X, order 10 of those

Genie, I wish you free Speakers say "One bonafide prince pedigree coming up", then all devices start executing random policy

Freeze! Thermostat set to minimum, TV plays random clip of Mr. Freeze pun

Sabotage Speakers play first few drum notes of Sabotage by Beastie Boys

Oh my god! Speakers play laugh track